


A Stormy Mind (Is Best Weathered Together)

by AjanisApprentice



Series: Glass [1]
Category: Warriors - Erin Hunter
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Established Relationship, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-21
Updated: 2018-03-21
Packaged: 2019-04-05 11:34:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,002
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14043399
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AjanisApprentice/pseuds/AjanisApprentice
Summary: Outside a storm rages. It's nothing compared to the one in her mind.





	A Stormy Mind (Is Best Weathered Together)

If you were to have asked Sandstorm what her favorite type of day was earlier in her life, the she-cat would never have answered rainy days, let alone days with drenching storms. Sandstorm was naturally gifted with energy; she was the greatest hunter in Thunderclan for a reason after all. While she had the patience to be a hunter, her main strength was her impressive speed and endurance. To a cat like her, rainy days were a burden; being pent up with energy with no way to vent it was infuriating.

However, ever since her mate had become clan leader, she began to look forward to these days. After all, as leader Firestar was quite busy and while he would always try to carve out time for her, his duty to the clan had to take priority. And while Sandstorm knew what she was getting into when she decided to pursue a relationship with him, even back in the days when he was deputy, she still felt some sadness knowing that Firestar’s responsibilities kept them from being able to spend so much time together. That's why she began to look forward to days like these; stormy days when there wasn't much anyone could do, giving Firestar some time off as it were, allowing him to spend time with her. And while they couldn't be out sparring or hunting together, they could at least bask in each other’s presence, simply enjoying being close. And ever since she had become a nursing queen, she welcomed the stillness in the camp, letting her relax along with her family.

Today was one of those days. A particularly strong storm had come in early in the day, starting as a small drizzle after the dawn patrol and hunting parties had come back, but quickly strengthening into the monster it was now. Sandstorm had brought her two month-old kits, Leafkit and Squirrelkit, with her to Firestar’s den and the small family had spent their day there, the parents curled up around their kits, occasionally rasping a tongue over them.

The steady patter of rain was starting to make Sandstorm drowsy. The she-cat tried to muffle a yawn, but failed. Firestar saw this and smiled at her fondly.

“Rest,” he mewed softly, not wanting to wake up either of their sleeping kits. He licked her head lovingly. “I've seen that over the past few days you've been extremely exhausted. Right now there's nothing to do and the kits are sleeping. Take the time to catch up on sleep.”

Sandstorm smiled back, though the smile didn't entirely reach her eyes. The truth was the she-cat’s lack of sleep had very little to do with their kits. Nevertheless, Sandstorm closed her eyes, falling into a slumber rather quickly.

* * *

”You don't deserve him.”

Sandstorm shot up. Instead of Firestar’s den, she found herself in an abandoned clearing. Dead grass and trees surrounded her and a dark grey sky, nearly black, rolled over her. She could hear rumbling, signalling the start of a storm. 

Sandstorm looked around, trying to find the source of the voice. It was so familiar but she wasn't able to place it.

“Really, you don't remember my voice. I think that just helps prove my point. How could you deserve to love him, how could you deserve his love, when you can't even be bothered to remember the one who loved you, gave you life, and who you claim to love in return?”

Sandstorm turned. Where before was just air, now stood a very familiar pale-grey she cat.

“Mom!” Sandstorm exclaimed, happiness at seeing her mother, Brindleface, making her forget the words that had been said. She quickly ran over but Brindleface stepped back, causing Sandstorm to stop in confusion.

“Mom?” Not an exclamation of joy this time, but a question tinged with hurt.

Brindleface let out a laugh, not one of humor though, of mockery. 

“Please, as if I'd let someone like you near me.” Sandstorm recoiled at the words, not wanting to believe her ears.

“Mom, what do you mean?”

“Like you don't know.” This came from a new voice to her right, and Sandstorm turned to see Bluestar, the old Thunderclan leader before Firestar. The she-cat walked past her, taking a seat next to Brindleface.

“Bluestar, what's going on?” Sandstorm asked, desperation beginning to bleed into her voice. It couldn't be happening. Not again.

“What's going on is that we're making you see the truth.” This time the voice came from her left and before she could even turn, a cat walked by her. Sandstorm recognized this one as Yellowfang, once a Shadowclan medicine-cat, turned Thunderclan medicine-cat. “The truth that you know oh so very well but refuse to acknowledge so you can continue having bliss you know you don't deserve.”

“I don't know-” 

“Quit feigning ignorance!” Sandstorm stepped back from the three cats at those words from Yellowfang. “You know very well! That den you sleep in is the wrong place for you.”

“Those kits you're curled around shouldn't be there. Shouldn't be yours,” Bluestar continued.

“And you have no place next to the tom who you sleep next to,” Brindleface added.

“You do not deserve to be Firestar’s mate.”

Sandstorm recoiled at the words all three had said. “You're wrong!” she shouted back. “Firestar loves me!”

“That wasn't what we said,” Brindleface responded. “We said you don't deserve to be his mate, don't deserve the love he gives you. Tell me,” she continued as Sandstorm opened her mouth to argue, stopping her daughter from responding. “How should a cat look towards their mate?”

“With love and devotion, care and compassion.” Sandstorm answered readily, but it sounded bland to her ears. Practiced. “But what does that have to do-”

“And how did you treat him when you first met him, and for the longest time afterwards?” 

That quieted Sandstorm down immediately. She knew the answer to that question, but didn't want to give it.

“Well? We're waiting!” Brindleface growled.

“I… I treated him like dirt. Worse than dirt,” Sandstorm answered in a small voice. 

“Elaborate.” It was a command from Bluestar, not a request.

“I constantly mistreated him.” Sandstorm couldn't bring herself to look at the other she-cat, choosing to stare at the ground instead. “Every chance I had to say something rude, something hurtful, I took it. At every victory, every success he had, I found some way to undermine it.” The words hurt to say, cutting into her deeply. However, Sandstorm looked up, a fire in her green eyes. “But I changed,” she said firmly.

At that all three she-cats sitting opposite her laughed mockingly. “Oh yes, you ‘changed’,” said Yellowfang, her eyes full of disdain. “And what prompted this change again? Was it some sort of better understanding of who Firestar was? Regret over what you did to him?”

Sandstorm turned her gaze back to the floor. “It was because he saved me from falling,” she muttered.

“Yes. It wasn't some sort of enlightenment, or change in your personality. It was simply because he saved your life. In other words, you developed an attraction for him not because of who he was, but because of what he did.” 

“But I did!” Sandstorm argued back fiercely. “Sure, I didn't start to think about it until that moment, but after he saved me I began to reevaluate my outlook!” 

“Oh yes, and what praise that deserves.” Brindleface said sarcastically. “Sure, maybe that would be meaningful. But it really isn't, especially not compared to who really deserves his love.”

Sandstorm began to shake. She realized what was about to happen, recognized where this was headed. And she could do nothing to stop it. This fact wasn't lost to the other three cats, who all smiled at her evilly. 

“Oh yes, you know who we refer to,” Bluestar said. “Spottedleaf deserves his love. More than you ever could.”

“Please, stop.” Sandstorm begged, her voice low and defeated. However, this served to simply egg on the others.

“She was understanding. She didn't care that he started off as a kittypet. Spottedleaf saw who Firestar was, she sees who is. And she didn't need to have anything happen to her for her to figure that out,” Brindleface said.

“She has always been close to Starclan, just like Firestar,” Yellowfang continued. “Imagine what she could have done for him as an advisor, as a mate. Imagine if she was a warrior. Someone like her with Firestar. Together, they could always go to Starclan for help. They would always be able to interpret all the signs Starclan would send. They'd be able to keep the clan completely safe!”

“More than that, what would really help the leader keep the clan safe? If he had a great mediator, one who could make sure any arguments between the clans would be resolved peacefully. Spottedleaf could have done that, not you. You're useless to him.”

“No, I'm not!” Sandstorm at this point was choking back tears. “Just stop!”

“More than that,” Bluestar continued as if Sandstorm hadn't even spoken. “You resent him for doing his job. For working so hard to make sure the clan is safe, making sure all the cats, including your kits can be safe. Spottedleaf would be understanding, she wouldn't be upset or resentful.” Bluestar stepped even closer, making Sandstorm shrink backwards. “She would even make a better mother for his kits. After all, how could a simple cat like you even compare to someone like Spottedleaf with her care and concern, her motherly nature? Especially considering that she would always know what to do whenever any of the kits were hurt or sick. You? All you'll end up doing is messing up, failing Firestar’s kits. You don't deserve to be their mother.”

“And the worst part,” Brindleface continued. “The worst part is just how selfish you are. Demanding Firestar's love while claiming you love him. Please, if you really loved him, you would want for him to be happy, you would want what's best for him. And what's best for him, what would really make him happy, would be Spottedleaf. She deserves his love. She would be good for him. She's even better for him as part of Starclan than you are alive.” All three she-cats looked at Sandstorm with such scorn that somehow Sandstorm shrank back even more than she already was. “You know this to be true. You know how much happier he would be with her.”

At this point Sandstorm couldn't even form anything to say. All she could do was cry helplessly as the other she-cats kept taunting her.

“You're nothing, Sandstorm.”

“You're worthless Sandstorm.” 

“You’re the reason Firestar can't truly be happy Sandstorm.”

_ Sandstorm. _

_ Sandstorm! _

_ Sandstorm!!! _

* * *

 

Sandstorm’s eyes shot open to see a pair of emerald irises full of concern staring at her.

“Sandstorm, what in Starclan was going on?” Firestar asked her, his voice full of concern. “You were whimpering in your sleep and I heard you mumbling words like stop and please.” 

“It's nothing,” Sandstorm muttered, not willing to look her mate in the eye. 

“Sandstorm-”

“I said it was nothing! Just leave me be and stop hurting me! All of you! Just leave me alone!” Sandstorm’s eyes widened, realizing only after she was done that her voice had risen into a scream. Her eyes then proceeded to fill with horror as she saw Firestar flinch away, hurt and confusion filling his gaze before her focus was shifted down when she heard a faint whimper. The she-cat gasped at what she saw. Her kits, wide awake, we're looking up at her and she could easily see the fear in their eyes.

She couldn't speak, all of the words she had just heard filling her head once more. Finally she managed to choke out “I'm sorry,” before running out into the still present storm.

* * *

 

Firestar could only stare as his beloved mate ran straight out into the storm. So many thoughts flashed through his mind, a chaotic vortex of sensations and emotions running through his head until he heard a small scared voice.

“Dad, what's wrong with mom?” Leafkit asked, her voice shaking with fear. 

Hearing one of his daughters' fear-filled voices, while seeing the other too afraid to even speak cut straight through the chaos in Firestar's mind and, as much as it hurt, it also cleared his mind and strengthened his resolve.

“I don't know,” Firestar answered, his gaze set in a determined stare out into the storm. “But I promise, I'll find her and help her solve whatever it is.”

As the tom leapt up and ran into the storm he called back to his kits “Stay in the den till I get back! I promise it will be soon, and your mother will be with me!”

* * *

 

Sandstorm kept running, uncaring about the storm raging all around her, the storm of thoughts in her mind making everything else irrelevant.

This was hardly the first time she had had dreams like this. Ever since she had kitted, she began to have nightmares. The other Queens said it was natural; that a first-time queen often had nightmares about stuff happening to her kits. That it was something that would go away in time. What they didn’t know, couldn’t know, was that her dreams had nothing to do with her kits. Instead, it was always some sort of variation of what she had just dreamt. About her not deserving Firestar’s love, being the mother of his kits. Honestly, if all she could think about was herself and not anyone else, not even her kits, well… perhaps the nightmares were right. Someone as selfish as her didn't deserve all the gifts she had. Especially if that someone would lash out at the things she claimed were most precious to her. She sniffed again, thinking of the hurt expression on Firestar’s face, the fear on kits faces. What type of mother lashed out and scared her own children? Her poor sweet innocent children.

And what would Firestar think? Surely by now he was questioning whether he had really made the right choice in mates. Surely he wished he could have someone stable, someone he could count on, not someone who would lash out at him.

Finally running out of energy, Sandstorm stopped running, plopping down right on the ground in the shade of the tree. The she-cat curled into a ball and whimpered.

For a few minutes she stayed like that, unable to muster the strength to move at all. Finally she began to calm herself down but before she could completely do so, a flash of lightning shot right over head, hitting the tree she was under. There was a loud crack and Sandstorm turned around only to see the tree, now aflame from the strike, beginning to fall. The she-cat tried to get up but her reaction time was sluggish. Suddenly, an orange blur slammed into her, ramming her out of the way of the falling tree. She was sent sprawling a few feet before coming to a rest. After a moment she realized that there was a weight on top of her and a familiar voice was speaking.

“Oh thank Starclan I made it! Sandstorm, please tell me you're alright.” 

Sandstorm opened her mouth, but no words escaped. Instead, the she-cat simply whimpered and nodded, burying her head in Firestar's shoulder. For a minute neither moved nor spoke, simply sitting together in the rain, Firestar’s presence providing Sandstorm some small comfort.

Eventually though, Firestar got off of Sandstorm and moved a small length away, allowing her to stand up herself. The tom then broke the silence. “Sandstorm, what’s going on?” Firestar asked gently. “You never snap for no reason, and you certainly don't do so in front of the kits.”

Sandstorm couldn't help it. She turned her head away from her mate, unable to look at him. “I… I just had a minor random nightmare,” she answered, unwilling to say the whole truth but refusing to actually lie to him.

Firestar’s gaze hardened. “Sandstorm,” he began, his tone firm but not unkind. “This is more than just one random nightmare. I know you and for you to have gotten so shaken, it must have been big.” Firestar’s voice lost its firmness, instead turning into a plea. “Please Sandstorm, tell me. I want to help, but I can do nothing when I know nothing.”

For a moment Sandstorm was silent, her mind undecided. However, her need for release, to talk to someone, anyone, about what she was going through ended up overriding her fear of what her mate would think of her. 

“It's been going on for the last couple of months,” Sandstorm began, her voice thick from her crying. “Ever since the kits had been born I've been having nightmares. They aren't always the exact same, but they all always share the exact same theme; that I'm not good enough for you, that I don't deserve your love. That I was weak and useless, that I shouldn't be your mate.” Sandstorm closed her eyes before continuing quietly “That Spottedleaf was better.

“Originally I ignored it. But after a week straight of these dreams I began to wonder, what if they were right? What if this was more than just my fears talking? What if some part of me recognized this as truth and refused to let me live a lie, in ignorant bliss?”

Firestar stared at his dejected mate in shock. She looked so defeated, nothing like she normally did, alive and vibrant. Sandstorm looked small and pitiful, like she couldn't fight anymore and accepted some horrible punishment. In a way she had.

“Why didn't you talk to anyone?”

Sandstorm’s response was a mirthless laugh. “What was I supposed to say?” she asked, her voice bitter. “It may be normal for first time queens to have nightmares, but that's if the nightmares have to do with the kits. Was I supposed to go to one of the other queens and say that I couldn't care less about my kits? That I could only worry about myself?” 

“And why not talk to me?”

Sandstorm could hear the sadness in her mate’s voice and she understood what he was really asking.  _ Why couldn't you trust me? _

“I didn't want to look weak,” Sandstorm answered.

“Sandstorm, I would never think of you as weak-”

“I know that!” Sandstorm’s shout made Firestar jump. “Dear Starclan I know that! It's not you who I need to prove my strength to, it's myself!” Sandstorm began to pace, her sudden anger making her restless. “Don't you see? These dreams, these fears, they all center on how I see myself as inferior! And right now, I can't help but realize it's right! I'm nothing, useless! How can I compare to someone like Spottedleaf, with all she could do?! She was sweet and kind, able to listen and be understanding! She could calm anyone down, she was a voice of reason! She'd have been a perfect mate for a clan leader! And me, all I seemingly do is lash out at you, lash out at the greatest most noble cat I know, getting my own kits in the crossfire!”

“Sandstorm, you can't just use tonight as an example,” Firestar said, trying to reason with his mate. But Sandstorm wouldn't hear it.

“It's not only tonight! Think about how many times I've questioned your loyalty! You, the cat who did everything he could for the best of the clan, the best of all the clans in the forest! The cat who refused to back down to anyone who posed a threat to peace, no matter what! How can I deserve to be your mate when I can't even trust that you love me?!”

“BECAUSE NONE OF THAT MATTERS!!!” Sandstorm suddenly was knocked down, her mate having pounced on her. Their muzzles were pressed together and Sandstorm could see deep sadness in her mate’s eyes.

“None of it matters,” Firestar mewed, his voice low and sad, and Sandstorm could hear the desperation within it. But she could also hear, buried underneath everything else, care and adoration. “I don't care if you aren't perfect, I don't care if you're hot-headed, if you're vocal. I'm happy that you're willing to question me, to keep me in check. I adore your fire, your energy.

“I don't care that you aren't Spottedleaf, Sandstorm. Spottedleaf never had the energy, the boundless fire that you have that makes me feel alive. And, I've realized that I would never trade this fire away for anything or anyone.” Firestar at this point got off of his mate, letting her stand up. He walked up to her and pressed their flanks together.

“Sandstorm, you are a great mate and an amazing mother. You've kept Leafkit and Squirrelkit so happy. Don't think I don't know how you've been kept up by them in the middle of night, the two needing to eat and you haven't said word. You've never complained about having to take care of them, and have made sure they've been entertained, watching them to make sure they were safe. They love you and their fear isn't of you, it's for you. They were both so worried about if you were okay after you ran out. 

“And as for being uncertain as to whether I love you, you had every right to feel jealous, to feel hurt and scared. I was a fool, not thinking how you might have felt about the fact that I never seemed to have been over Spottedleaf, not thinking we needed to talk about it. It was my own fault you felt that way.

“Sandstorm, you aren't weak. I know you said you didn't need to prove it to me, but to yourself, so think. Who was it that acted as a medicine cat for Skyclan with minimal knowledge but did everything she could? Who went on the quest, not because she had to, but because she wanted to? Who has time and time again been there for me, willing to help by sharing my burdens? You’re so very very strong, and just because you might need to talk to someone, to help sort out your mind, doesn't make you weak.”

At this point Firestar’s eyes no longer held sadness, instead they shined with admiration and determination. 

“And even if you didn't deserve my love, which I in no way believe, even then it wouldn't matter.  My heart is yours, I've fallen for you, and no one is going to dictate who I love besides myself.”

Firestar turned his head at this point to look into her eyes. He rasped his tongue over her ears before continuing.

“Sandstorm, I don't expect everything to have been solved from one conversation alone. But I need you to realize this; that I'm always there for you, ready to help shoulder your burdens, just as you have helped shoulder mine. And, no matter how long it takes until we've fully resolved this, I will be there for you, right by your side.”

Sandstorm sniffed, pressing herself even closer to her mate. She closed her eyes, letting his scent lull her.

“You're right, things haven't just suddenly been fixed,” she began. “But after hearing everything you've said, I do feel better. And just knowing that you're there for me, willing to hear me out, willing to help shoulder my pain, makes me feel more at ease than I've felt in a while.” Sandstorm opened her eyes and turned to lick Firestar’s cheek. The Thunderclan leader could see the boundless love held within the green orbs and let out a purr.

“Come on, let's head back. The kits will be delighted to see that you're doing better.” 

Sandstorm nodded at her mate’s words and they began to walk back. After a moment though, Sandstorm stopped. Firestar turned to look at her and asked “What's wrong?”

“Nothing,” Sandstorm replied, a smile on her face. “I just realized that the storm has passed.”

**Author's Note:**

> So, I always wondered what the time between Sandstorm having kits and the second series was like. Honestly, I think that even with having worked things out with Firestar about Spottedleaf, Sandstorm would still have a lot of buried issues, regarding herself and her mate. Honestly, it would likely pop up during this time period; with no major concerns to distract her, not doing much because of her kits, and the fact that she had kits, I think Sandstorm would be forced to deal with some demons she had been pushing away. Because let's be real, it takes more than one simple conversation to dispel most fears and I think Sandstorm would be rather critical of herself and how she had acted towards Firestar, especially compared to Spottedleaf. So I don't think a breakdown like this is out of question, or even unlikely. 
> 
> But those are just my thoughts. Tell me what you think in the comments!


End file.
